Friday, March 14, 2014

The long hiatus that I didn't plan

I have been writing in an online journal since I was a freshman in college, circa 2000.  The site that started my love of writing in an online journal for creepy internet strangers to read closed earlier this year and as sad as it made me, I knew it was coming.  The site had many struggles, a hacking or two, and flat out crappy management.  The proverbial writing was on the internet wall.  Once the site started failing, I stopped writing and checking places.  Life gets in the way sometimes of the things you are used to doing that aren't a necessity.

So much has changed since my last entry.  I miscarried.  I found out my then husband cheated, was a liar, and an even bigger asshat than I thought he was previously.  I asked him to leave.  I had limited visitation of my stepdaughter who I raised since she was 2.  I took on a second job at a bar.  I was a big girl and paid all of my bills on my OWN without the help of any man.  (huge thing since I had a rather large mortage, car note, and a ton of credit card debt from aforementioned asshat).  I started dating a man I've known for a very long time and never thought of in that way before.  I found out I was pregnant.  I found out two days later I would never be allowed to see my stepdaughter again when my soon to be ex husband found out I was seeing someone (even though he had dated many women since we separated and even introduced my sweet girl to these random women).  I studied for and PASSED my Series 6 a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant. I got divorced.  I've fallen into the best thing in life, true damn happiness.

I never in a million years thought that I would ever find this level of happiness in life when I asked for a divorce.  I thought my one shot at that whole spending your life with one person was over with.

Parrish just truly completes me.  He is by far the sweetest man I've ever met.  He holds my  hand when I need him.  He lets me stew when I need it.  He tells me to sit my butt down and put my feet up and REST when he knows I've worked myself into a tizzy.  He talks to my belly and tells our baby girl to settle down in there when she is dancing the rumba up in there!  More importantly he makes me feel like the only lady in the entire world and I know he has my back no matter what happens.

We've had some bumps in the road, not in our relationship, but with family things.  It will all be done soon enough once this sweet baby girl is born.  I am having a baby, in less than 2 weeks.  A sweet, soft, loving, pooping, throwing up, all mine and you cant ever take her from me EVER baby girl.  I wish my first baby girl would be in my life still so I could share this time with her as well.  My heart hurts every day missing my Alesi.  I know she knows I love her no matter what nonsense she is fed.  She knows I would never abandon her.  I am not the type of parent to do that.

 She will grow up resenting people and I can rest assured every night knowing I will not be the one she resents.  Every dog has their day and trust me, he will have his.   I mean he has his every day.  I thank God every day he was stupid enough to do what he did.  I wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for a while.  The happiness I feel today right here and now trumps any happiness I ever had with my ex husband  It scares me because I question my judgement of marrying my ex husband.  I know now that I married him for my stepdaughter, for Alesi.  I don't regret that time spent with her at all.  I am sad I can't hug her or tell her daily I love her.  I hope she thinks of me often and remembers my loving words and manners I taught her.

So I am back.  I am back from the proverbial blogging dead and I am glad to be here.

I am happy, pregnant (and soon to pop!) and ready to start this new chapter in my life.  Love is an amazing thing!

1 comment:

  1. I was surprised and glad to see you post an update! It's been a long time.

    "I never in a million years thought that I would ever find this level of happiness in life when I asked for a divorce. I thought my one shot at that whole spending your life with one person was over with."

    Amen! I can relate to those feelings, as well. It just goes to show that you should never give up, and above all else, never settle. Congrats on your pregnancy, on Parrish, and on your newfound happiness. Hopefully you'll get to see Alesi again in the near future.